


From the Personal Files of Remus J. Lupin

by Scriptophilia



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Diary/Journal, Eventual Romance, Fluff, Gay Remus Lupin, Heavy Angst, M/M, Marauders Era (Harry Potter), Secondary Jily, Secrets
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-09-03
Updated: 2019-12-03
Packaged: 2020-08-10 07:35:23
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,991
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20131705
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Scriptophilia/pseuds/Scriptophilia
Summary: “A diary is useful during conscious, intentional, and painful spiritual evolutions... An intimate diary is interesting especially when it records the awakening of ideas; or the awakening of the senses at puberty; or else when you feel yourself to be dying.”― André GileRemus Lupin has no business keeping a diary. He'd rather keep it all to himself and bask in the radiance of his own thoughts in the privacy beneath his sheets, then watch them go out with the light on the tip of his wand and fade into the darkness of the room from where only he could stir them up again. But then, perhaps, he was obligated by his mother to share with the world in the blank pages of a little book, and obligated by himself to keep it from the prying eyes of his three best friends. A difficult enough task as is, but one that proves to only become harder as Remus writes himself into discovery.





	1. September 1st, 1976

<strike>Dear Diary</strike>

<strike>My name is Remu</strike>

<strike>I'm writing</strike>

<strike>Shit</strike>

<strike>Hello</strike>

<strike>This is a diary, and I am writing in it</strike>

<strike>Bloody hell this is stu</strike>

My mother gave me this diary under the impression that I will actually be using it. I will not, but I'm currently scratching away with my quill underneath my sheets, so I suppose she's won whatever game she thought we were playing. 

Oh, bollocks. I've gotten ink on the sheets. 

Well there's another downside to this right there. The first one being that this is downright stupid, the second being what the bloody hell am I going to write in here, anyway? I think I’d die if James found it. Peter wouldn’t do anything but Merlin, if Sirius got his hands on this...

I don't want to think about that. Tomorrow's the first day of sixth year, it's odd to think how we've only got two left. Who knows where I'll end up after this, if anyone even wants to hire me. That would be a miracle in and of itself. I have to go now, I really need to sleep. The train gets here rather early.

* * *

Amid the hustle and bustle of the first day of a new school year and the tangible excitement and wonder of the first years, Remus Lupin sat under scarlet banners with James, Sirius, and Peter, who were in a heated discussion about what they might get away with this year. The Sorting Hat was bellowing out houses and names and its own personal opinions, and Remus could not be more disinterested. He was entirely absorbed in his best friends, whom he'd seen exactly twice over the whole summer. 

Peter was agreeing excitedly to whatever James said. James was talking animatedly with his hands. Sirius had an enormous grin plastered on his face. This felt natural, like a well oiled machine, or folding a pair of pants, or falling into step with someone on a walk outside. Remus could feel his eyelids drooping, a side effect of the dangerous combination of a good meal and blissful content.

* * *

Hello, me again.

Why am I addressing <strike>you </strike>this as if it were a person? Oh, well. Maybe I'll keep it up, seeing as I've already dismissed myself like I was speaking to someone. Maybe it'll help me do all this opening up mum wants.

I mean, sure it was a difficult holiday. Sure, my transformations are getting worse. Sure, I was basically under house arrest (note- explain this to James, who was wondering where I was this summer and expressed extreme confusion at this remark). Sure, I've been quite lonely. But I'm fine now! I'm at school! With my friends! Merlin's beard, I'm really writing this like I'm going to present it to her, aren't I?

Today was fun, I saw my friends, we bothered the third years in the common room, blah blah blah.

Damn it, someone's coming.

False alarm. I'm very on edge right now, but considering the werewolf jokes never really get old, I should be okay if they find this. Not that I want them to. That will be my main form of information that I put in here, I think. 

Extreme stress and anxiety over my dumbass friends finding this blasted book. And maybe other stuff. Who knows. Anyway, I'm tired.

Goodnight. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've wanted to do something like this for a while now, I hope this first chapter worked out. Thanks for reading!


	2. September 8th, 1976

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Remus, unfortunately, has no idea about himself.

It's been a week, and I've already had to drag James' sorry behind out of detention twice.

How does that even happen? I mean, it's not MY fault he's better at pranks than he is at his actual schoolwork. Sirius is the same. <strike>Good thing he's pretty.</strike> Wait, hang on. I mean, the girls love him.

Makes me kind of mad, <strike>Diary</strike>, how they just hang all over him like that. Save some for the rest of us, Pads. Unfortunately, not all of us are privileged enough to be a bloody beacon for girls. Some of us have to actually try.

Anyway, it's a full moon tonight. I've been really sick this time around. Lycanthropy can bugger off, actually.

That's all for now. Time to go tear myself to pieces, I guess.

* * *

And so the full moon rose and fell that night. A wolf emerged from the Shrieking Shack where a boy had entered, followed shortly after by a deer, a dog, and a rat. Remus' motley crew of friends occupied him, distracted him, for the first time in months, and for that he couldn't be more grateful. 

He lay now, naked and battered, wrapped in a scratchy blanket atop a worse-for-wear four poster bed. James, Peter, and Sirius all stood over him, giving him a physical to their standards, more thorough than Pomfrey would get by a long shot. Deeming him safe to be alone until Pomfrey arrived, all but one left as bleak early morning light shot though the broken window panes.

Sirius Black stood by Remus' side, tucking the blanket tighter around his newly-bruised, sweaty skin.

"Y'should go, Pads," he croaked. Sirius stood fast, defiantly shaking his head.

"Not until I know someone'll be here, Moony. This one was..." he paused, screwing up his face while on the hunt for appropriate wording. "Worse than usual," he concluded. Remus rolled his eyes, catching a glimpse of the frown on his friend's face.

"Go on, then," he said with a weak attempt at laughter. Sirius, who was always first to argue, clearly would not engage with Remus in his current state. He shook his head and threw his hands up in mock surrender.

"Fine, alright, you win. Just don't come complaining to me about how bored you are waiting on old Poppy," Sirius told him with his signature wild grin. It was the one that lit up his face when he was making a joke, or making someone else smile, too. He paused for just a moment to brush a sweaty curl out of Remus' eyes, then turned and disappeared into the disheveled and winding hallways of the ruined house.

Remus stayed behind, waiting to be helped inside by whoever came along. He'd much rather be assisted by the careful, kind touch of Peter, or the purposeful, secure skill that was James'. Instead, he stared up at dusty ceiling beams as he felt the ghost of Sirius' fingers against his damp skin again and again.

* * *

Hello, I'm very confused. Normally they get out of my space after the moon is over, but they stayed for just about forever. I was about to tell them to piss off, actually. Padfoot stayed the longest. Bit unusual for him.

He brushed my hair back from my forehead like some bloody mum, he won't live that one down for a while. Is he going soft? That would be a damn sight to behold.

James brought all my work for me, Sirius brought my books, and Peter came by with a huge bar of chocolate. Don't tell anyone, but I think he's my favorite right now.

Merlin, why am I talking to a bleeding book like its a real human being? Again? Do I ever learn? Looks like mum's getting what she wanted. 

Either way, I'm putting my quill away. I want to lie down. <strike>Goodbye.</strike>


	3. September 15th, 1976

I've been laid up for a week this time. Couldn't even pick up a quill. But, I actually managed to walk up to Gryffindor tower without a shoulder to lean on for the first time in a while. I suppose that's an improvement.

Enough about that, Sirius somehow managed to get one of those muggle music devices, as James calls it. It's just a record player. There's this bloke called David Bowie, he wears a lot of makeup and some bloody tight pants. Sirius seems to love him, and this band called Queen. And this other one, I'll have to ask him what it's called, lead something. A bit screamy for my taste. Peter is like me, he prefers the softer stuff.

Pads and Prongs really get a kick out of that damn thing, it's a good thing it's just us because someone is likely to hex them into mainland Europe if they turn that thing on at midnight again.

Oh, I've just been informed the band is called Led Zeppelin. Or rather, Sirius was loudly telling off a second year for never hearing of them. I better not let him catch on to my unfamiliarity, then. 

I've been worried about him lately, actually. We all know he'd not on good terms with his parents, but we never say anything. He practically lives at Prongs' now. It's almost like he's trying to get disowned. 

We'll see what happens, I've got to go now, I have far too much work to catch up on for my taste.

* * *

Remus watched from a table as James and Sirius mirrored Mick Jagger in the common room, looking less suave and more like chickens, shouting (or singing, as they thought it was) at the top of their lungs. James, to Remus, was flat out awful. Remus observed in amusement as Lily covered her mouth so James wouldn't see the smile creeping onto her lips. Sirius, however, was almost a completely different person.

He had more color in his cheeks, a wild look in his eye no one had seen in a very long time, and the way he moved exuded confidence. Lily had smudged some eyeliner around his clear grey eyes for a laugh when the boys were playing at being rock stars, but damn it all, he looked _good._ But that was normal, wasn't it? Of course one would be quick to compliment a friend. Remus shook the thoughts from his head and shoved his nose back in the dusty, yellowing pages of his book to finish studying, but not without sneaking glances over the top of the book. It was to check and make sure they weren't getting into to much trouble, of course.

Once all the ruckus settled and everyone was slowly trickling up the stairs to bed, Remus finally sat back and took a deep breath, feeling each vertebra pop beneath his sweater. Resigning for the night, he was going to try and get as much sleep as he could to try and sleep off the jittery feeling in his stomach. _Perhaps I'm not fully recovered yet, _he thought. That seemed plausible, until he reached his dormitory.

Sirius had still not removed the quasi-raccoon makeup ringing his eyes, and flashed Remus a toothy grin before throwing a quick "G'night" his way and sliding his curtain shut. Remus felt hot, and his knees almost gave out on him. The strange feeling in his stomach returned and he was positive he was falling ill. 

* * *

I think I'm coming down with something. My stomach has been feeling upset, and before I got in bed my face felt flushed and hot and I thought I was going to faint. It's probably leftover from the moon.

Anyway, Lily decided to put Sirius in eyeliner, and it's right stupid how good he looks. Guys aren't supposed to wear eyeliner. He was actually good at the singing too, unlike James. Poor bloke sounded like a dying animal. Weather's been shite recently, so I'm sure there will be more of this mess in the very near future.

Oh, I forgot to mention, I've been invited to the Potters' for Christmas holiday. It's a bit early, but it'll take this long to convince mum to let me go, as James put it. I hate that he's right. Actually, he kind of just told me I'm going. Not that I'm complaining.

I'm going to go, I can't think of much else to say. 

<strike>Lupin out.</strike>


	4. September 24th, 1976

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this has been quite the absence- and I'm very sorry. I know words don't write themselves but part of me was hoping they would because I couldn't make myself do it. But, here is something, and I hope you enjoy it!

I don't know what's up with Sirius. He's been quite touchy lately, and he keeps trying to test his limits with just about everybody. I'm sure James knows something, and I'm also sure it's got something to do with his family. It's not my place, but it sort of is.

* * *

It was by the third knowing look Remus and James had exchanged before lunch that day, in hindsight, that told Remus something was off as he mulled over the day that night. In Peter's words, Sirius was "being all weird." James figured that it had something to do with Sirius' home life, and Remus could do naught but agree. At any rate, Remus was having his own problems.

Those problems, funnily enough, went by the name of Sirius Orion Black.

Remus found that he could hardly look at his friend without getting short of breath and shaky in the knees. It was such a bother that he took to avoiding Sirius, despite their close friendship. Amazingly, Sirius appeared to turn a blind eye to Remus' sudden tendency to spring up and hustle into the next room upon Sirius' arrival, or how Remus was now prone to mumbling with his head down in place of his typical clear voice. It bothered Remus to no end, and he was desperately searching for something to attribute this to.

His racing mind settled on the moon. Surely it was the moon, the moon turning his stomach end over end, the moon reddening his face to where he was more scarlet than gold when compared to the others in his house. The moon, the gleaming orb perched high in the inky sky, had caused him many a problem, and surely one more wouldn't be out of the ordinary. He smoothed the front of his striped pajamas and tried to settle down beneath a downy comforter. _No_, he thought, _too hot, too hot, too hot_, he groaned inwardly as he tried not to make too much of a ruckus this late at night, but tried just enough to cover up the soft snuffles Sirius was making into his pillow as the dormitory dreamed.

There was nothing interesting about the dusty cloth of the canopy that spanned the top of his four poster, but it was all Remus could stand to look at in the present. What he wouldn't give to be back at home, with his mum and his books and the soft voice of his father, or to be mapping the stars from his bedroom window, or to be anywhere but alone with his thoughts, anywhere where his mind could _breathe_. He wondered sometimes, what would happen if he simply left? If, one full moon, he left the Marauders and took off into the night, sprinting full tilt through tall grass and steeped in moonlight, wind in his face? Would he turn back, naked and alone, or would he find peace elsewhere, away from those who knew of him and his burden? Remus reasoned that he should not do this to anyone who cared for him, for his reciprocal feelings were infinitely stronger.

Then, as if Remus' muddled thoughts had stirred him from slumber, a drowsy Sirius Black had climbed into bed next to him. _So much for avoidance, he thought bitterl_y.

"I thought you were asleep?" Remus whispered into the dark, bitterness quickly replaced with confusion, barely able to make out a sharp jawline and stormy eyes in the dim moonlight from the windows.

Sirius' voice came hoarse and trembling. "I saw my mum," was all that was offered in response.

Remus began to piece together what was happening. "Did she hurt you?"

Sirius shook his head. "Not more than she has at home. But I-" He ran a hand through messy hair. "I was so afraid of her, the way she was looking at me." There was a seemingly open end to his statement, as if he wanted to say more, but left it where it stood. 

There was heavy silence, and Remus was about to say something, something probably stupid. But then Sirius lay down beside him as if it was his plan all along, and so returned the upset stomach and warm face. He looked down to see that Sirius had promptly fallen back asleep, facing Remus on his side, with one hand pressed ever-so-slightly against Remus' own. Here he was, avoiding Sirius because he only felt strange with his presence in the room, blaming it on the moon he realized, and now he was letting him sleep in his bed. In all honesty, Sirius was probably his best friend, and he was incredibly worried about him. Remus felt his eyelids drooping, kept open only by the hyperawareness of the sleeping human to his left, and of the minimal, yet impossible to ignore, contact.

And so Remus steeled his nerves and let sleep overtake him, putting his thoughts on hold if not only until the morning.

* * *

What the HELL is wrong with me? I think I'm going crazy.

First I'm all, "Oh it's not my place to get into Sirius' business, but then it is," and then its "avoid him at all costs because he makes you feel weird," and then it's "let Sirius crawl into your bed and wake up in the morning with the pillow still warm." What in Merlin's name? I just can't stop thinking about Sirius, it's driving me up the wall. Everywhere I go I see his stupid face, even when I close my eyes.

Even so, I can't help but worry about him. Some of the things he said last night were very worrying. "Not more than she does at home." What is that supposed to mean? I swear, if his family is physically hurting him, they shall suffer my lycanthropic wrath. I can't believe he still goes home to that, if you could even call it a home. He should just stay with <strike>me</strike> James.

I'm just at a loss for how to feel. My mind has been all over the place these last few days, and these strange feelings (symptoms?) piled onto that has worn me out. Thank goodness it's Saturday, I think I'll just stay in bed.

ps. I'm going to get to the bottom of this strange new illness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Poor, ignorant Remus.


End file.
